Self-esteem is the sense of value we have for ourselves. It鈥檚 how we perceive ourselves: whether we think we are worthy and competent, whether we think we belong, whether we like ourselves.
There鈥檚 an entire wellness , but it often gets things wrong. Standing in front of a mirror and saying 鈥淚鈥檓 awesome鈥� probably isn鈥檛 going to make you feel better about yourself, because , and how you consciously think about yourself might not align with how you unconsciously feel about yourself.
People want quick fixes, but unfortunately, building healthy, realistic and stable self-esteem isn鈥檛 that simple.
More than high or low
Self-esteem is often described as high or low: either we like ourselves and are confident in our abilities (high self-esteem) or we don鈥檛 (low self-esteem).
Level of self-esteem is an important measure. Low self-esteem has been linked with and and high self-esteem has been linked with , and .
There is also a link between , but . However, the level of your self-esteem may be less important than its stability.
Often, people have unstable self-esteem because they make their value dependent on something. This is called . because mistakes or failures then become threats to your self-worth rather than opportunities to learn and grow.
People may make their self-worth contingent on things like productivity, religious approval, intelligence, relationships, or body shape or fitness. But what happens if you act immorally, fail a test or gain some weight? Things like relationships and health require lifelong maintenance, which means self-esteem based on success in these areas will constantly be in jeopardy (and therefore unstable). Unsurprisingly, .
Self-esteem is off the scale, but is it stable?
. From 1988 to 2008, self-esteem scores in middle school, high school and college students have increased significantly. Out of a possible 40 on the (RSE), 11- to 13-year-olds鈥� scores rose to 32.74 from 28.90, 14- to 17-year-olds鈥� scores rose to 31.84 from 29.86, and college students鈥� scores rose to 33.37 from 31.83.
By 2008, . Most North Americans now have high, but not necessarily stable, self-esteem.
Studies show well-meaning attempts to bolster self-esteem in schools by complimenting intelligence actually impedes academic performance. When students are complimented on intelligence, they tend to , all of which is detrimental to learning.
Focusing on performance increases stress, anxiety and , not success. makes people feel less in control and more resentful. Finally, having self-esteem contingent on intelligence, while believing intelligence is a fixed trait, morphs mistakes, failures or challenging material into threats to self-worth.
, those with unstable self-esteem may feel worthless and to try to reaffirm their self-worth through success (even if their approach isn鈥檛 working, takes longer or takes more work).
Both strategies are unproductive. The more effective approach would be to reassess the problem and approach it from a different angle.
In short, . Similarly, high self-esteem doesn鈥檛 make someone a better leader, better , or more liked.
People with high self-esteem may think they are more popular and well-liked, but those with contingent high self-esteem, are usually perceived as (which makes sense if they consider relationships a means to bolster their self-esteem). Just as with grades, social acceptance seems to boost self-esteem, not the opposite.
In other words, self-esteem isn鈥檛 a cure-all. Even the most confident, attractive, intelligent people experience relationship breakups, job loss and anxiety.
So, how do we develop healthy, stable self-esteem? By focusing on effort.
Effort versus results
It鈥檚 impossible for us all to be exceptional and outperform our peers. By assuming those things, we set ourselves up for constant blows to our self-esteem. Instead, we can try to base self-esteem on doing better, not being better. Behaving in ways that align with our goals, and giving ourselves something to be proud of, will develop or others鈥� opinions.
For example, if your self-esteem is currently contingent on relationships, try focusing on how kind or helpful your actions are, rather than how liked you are. If your self-esteem is contingent on productivity, try focusing less on how much you get done and more on the impact of what you get done.
When building self-esteem in others, this means complimenting their efforts, not their results. For example, telling your child 鈥淲ow, you worked so hard on this!鈥� or 鈥淲ow, you鈥檙e learning so much!鈥� instead of 鈥淲ow, you鈥檙e so smart!鈥� Kids can鈥檛 control how smart they are, and they鈥檒l never excel at every subject, so those things shouldn鈥檛 define their self-worth. The same goes for adults.
Encouraging kids to work hard, be curious and appreciate the results of their efforts helps them build self-competence and belonging. This gives them a realistic sense of their abilities and an appreciation for their relationship to others.
, Clinical Psychologist and Professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience,
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